Tuesday, March 12, 2013

I cannot focus. I haven't been able to since before I left Hawaii, and then during the vacation, and then last week, my jet-lagged unproductive week of Nothing.

And I guess I feel like I'm just waiting waiting waiting for something, which unfortunately doesn't feel like it's coming.

Got into that fraternity. Am going through initiation, and now I'm having doubts. Uncomfortable doubts. Which it's getting nearly too late to act upon, but not quite yet.

To put it bluntly, there are some awesome kids in my class. There are also some very not awesome kids. And, obviously you can't expect to get along with EVERYONE... but in this case the not awesome one(s) are the most frequent ones. I can't seem to avoid them.

Okay, it's not a lot, it's just one: OutspokenLeech would be a good name. And I feel that the group would have a very different dynamic if she weren't there. She doesn't contribute, she just.. Leeches. Sucker-attatches to someone and their energy, and their positive qualities. While at the same time putting herself FIRST FIRST FIRST by being too outspoken and quick to judge/talk.


And then they threw a party at an active member's house (which is as much my fault because I didn't say anything, I just passively didn't attend) that involved pretty much nothing besides underage binge drinking.

Sweet. So that thing about this Honors fraternity not being Greek... at this point, I don't understand the distinction.

But what really gets me, the reason that I'm having second thoughts is what happened afterwards. The active member, whose mother was in town at the time, who had to be at the house while the kids were drinking... came in to berate all of us about that party.

As she should have. She didn't give permission, she would have gotten in a lot of trouble (as the only non-minor in the house) had the police arrived, etc.

But girls left. While she was talking. How awesomely mature and respectful. You pull something, and then you can't take someone speaking bluntly to you about how stupid it was? There are two options - either feel that your actions were right and stay and at least hold your head high if not defend yourself, or feel that you were missguided and take your lumps.

Putting your tail between your legs and hiding in the bathroom is so immature and disrespectful that I can't believe it. We live by ourselves, many of us have jobs and pay bills, and yet we can't handle the reprecussions of our actions.


The same people who fled later 'defended themselves' over email, from the safety of their dorm rooms, and BEHiND THE BACK of the criticizing brother. Way to go.

AND I CAN'T SAY ANYTHING TO ANYONE because I'm not in the inner sanctum. BECAUSE BEING MATURE IS UNPOPULAR. So why am I a part of this? This is a very real question. I mean, I love a lot of people in this organization, but my rush class is the class that I will be with for the next two years. And, I'm not fond of the way some people acted, and...

I just wish that I could focus, that I could run again, that I could find a way to study for my 2 midterms because they just seem so simple to me, that I could get along with everyone in my pledge class, and that at some point everyone would just grow up.

My thoughts are too noisy.

Posted at 03:36 pm by AudiS
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Monday, February 04, 2013

(20:27:42) AgapeAmarante: hey (20:27:48) AgapeAmarante: best wait a few weeks to make it non obivous (20:27:48) AgapeAmarante: 20:27:11) goldielocks2822: 106 williams hall (20:27:15) goldielocks2822: michigan state university (20:27:18) goldielocks2822: east lansing, mi (20:27:20) goldielocks2822: 48825 (20:27:52) AgapeAmarante:

Posted at 05:41 pm by AudiS
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Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Almost There

Ten hours and counting before I get on that car which will take me to that plane which will take me home.

It's been a while since I've been running or swimming. I am antsy, wound tightly. And if I end up sitting infront of a movie tonight, I can't be held responsible for my actions. Movies and I get along if I've done something involving a lot of exertion earlier... then I'm quiet and sweet and will probably fall asleep somewhat adorably if you like me, annoyingly if you don't.

...but if I've spent the day in a low-key slump, and have to finish it quietly, I might pop unexpectedly and do something ridiculous, like jumping on the bed. Or just be loud. Whatever.

I'm just antsy.


Nervous really. Ms. Fashionista teases me over the phone: "no matter what you say, you are dating." Okay. My dating life seems to be dictated by what everyone ELSE says. This is a dilemna.

(Is this really truestoryof or just thedelightfulmissa'sdatingmusings?)

Anyway. You find me here waiting to find out what I'm doing tonight, wondering if I should go out tomorrow when I'm Home to a Halloween party because Porcupine and TheUsualSuspects will be there, and I'm just wondering what sort of position I'm putting myself into.

(I got seven hours of sleep last night and felt the most rested I've felt in a long while. I've gone to bed past 1am every night since Sunday and have woken up at 6am at the latest)

The dilemma is simple. Back home I'm Porcupine'sGirl. Have been, and will continue to be for a long time. There's a history of friendship, with mad crushes from him towards me since we were 14. And lookie here, it's been five years. Am I really old enough to have five years of history with someone? Then again, I never thought I would be so old while this young. I never thought I would be calling landlords, fixing toilets, preparing to take off for China or... well, I never thought I would end up doing anything I've done.

But here I am. And it's 8:36 on a Friday night and I have invitations and yet I'm still on my bed in a sweatshirt and skirt typing this.

Really, what's the problem? Nothing's defined in college. BeautifulBlonde has a string of boys on her phone and doesn't mind calling them several times in one night - it's explicit what they're there for. LadyMatterAFact doesn't mind her undefined status. It's just the way things go. And I, until being explicitly monogamous with Porcupine, didn't either. And I fought it hard. But the switch's been flipped. I'm wired for monogamy, because of this LoyaltyComplex. It applies to friendship, and EverythingElse and it's difficult: I didn't call AustralianLandscapeArtist last night. I instead spent the night dancing in the middle of a crowd that couldn't have appreciated my redheaded girly self too much.


"What do you want?" Everyone asks me this. Everyone asks everyone this. Everyone doesn't know. We all assume it's one thing, and then the other, and then doubt that we ever wanted it in the first place.

(oh my god)

What do you want from life? What do you want most? I want to feel at the end that I did all that I could that I lived all I could have lived that I loved because I don't think I have and I feel very strongly that it's quite possible that I won't.

(oh my god)

So the Dinosaur/Porcupine/Australian/Unknown isn't a problem, is it? It's just a shallow manifestation of the fact that I might be so much of a perfectionist and idealist that no one can really measure up, including myself.

Watch yourself, I get truthful when I've done nothing during the day.

I mean I read a book on the porch while drinking tea and felt warm welcoming attractive deep and intelligent. but that was three hours ago.

And then I found the perfect subject for my next art assignment. And dropped off the deposit for my apartment next semester.

And I'm leaving in... 9 hours, so realistically, I shouldn't do anything tonight. I should pack and think about the funeral and my family, who I cannot wait to see. I should also skip the party, if only to spend the greatest amount of time in a real house. I should I should I should wo yin gai, yin gai, yin gai...

Wo yin gai juede. ye yin gai pao bu, dan shi wo hai shi bu gao xing, so yi wo mei you. Bu zhi dao shenme shi bu dui. bu zhi dao wei shenme wo bu zhi dao.

wo shi frusterated/confused/and wo juede mediocre.

Mediocre. Probably the worst way to feel. Not terrible, just a slightly dirty ache of uninterestingness.

Have a good night. Maybe I'll spend mine reading.

Posted at 06:17 pm by AudiS
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Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Hey Hey Hey


Posted at 12:52 pm by AudiS
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Wednesday, February 18, 2009
What is it good for?

Busy. Busy. Excited. Busy. Busy.

I need to clean my room and my head.

Posted at 07:19 pm by AudiS
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Audrey --

A level headed person who always makes the wrong decision

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

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